Happy Birthday, Toaster Head!

     Today, October 16th, exactly twenty-two years ago, Brittani Paige Pedersen was born, 9 lbs. 2 oz., 21 inches. There was no doubt about it, I was the biggest baby in the nursery. After fifteen hours of labor, my mother and father finally figured out why. Screaming at the world for being removed from my cozy womb, my parents finally saw their little girl. Her ten fingers and ten toes, bright blue eyes, and, dang! An enormously large head...

     As it mostly protrudes longways, from my forehead to the back of my head, my head is still huge.  So huge that my friends and family call me “toaster head,” because it’s proportional to a toaster.  From the front, it seems small, but if you look at it from the side, it doubles in size.  You may think that having a larger head wouldn’t produce too many setbacks except being lovingly teased, but  you are mistaken.  The number one problem is (duh!) hats. In men's baseball caps, I'm an XL, which clearly means that any cute women’s “one-size-fits-all” hat is an absolute impossibility.  Once in a Mexican flea market, a woman chasing me around the store trying to sell me things basically forced me to try on a knit women’s beanie made of unforgiving and unelastic material.  As my mom and I are half laughing and half warning her, saying “No, don't do it! Not gonna happen!” before I knew it, she had quickly tried to fit it on my head (which obviously didn't even fit over the back half).  She had nervously chuckled as she scurried, leaving my mom and I to shop in silence, although we were dying laughing.  Remember when it was cool in to wear your boyfriend’s hats in middle school? I stayed clear and far away from that trend.  The guys always tried, thinking they were smooth, and then the awkward explanation came as I had to readjust the size or just simply give it back.  Ever tried to get a sweatshirt off of your head, yet it was you either had to cut it off you or enlist in help? I have, and about 9 times out of 10, my friends and family would pull it so hard that they fell over once it came off, instead of reaching for the scissors.

     My mother tries to tell me, “your big head means big brains!” and while I thank her for that illegitimate consolation, I’m perfectly fine with the circumference of my cranium.  There's even a few perks.  Playing softball in elementary school, I had exclusive access to the XL baseball helmet, which was never worn by any of the other teammates because a small or medium would suffice.  And by having a brother two years younger than me who wrestled with me constantly, head butts came in handy. 

     People say they don’t notice until I tell them, (which is hopefully true) and once they realize it some get all high-pitched and proclaim "OMG! No you don't! I think your head is normal-sized."  Lame.  Let's just laugh about it instead of offering me silly support like I cry myself to sleep at night because the back of my head is too big.  I'm fond of my overgrown head, and believe it deserves it's own happy birthday for hanging around for the past twenty-two years.

So... HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOASTER HEAD! 

Brittani Pedersen